Q&A with Elaine Day: Growing Up as a Lesbian in the Deep South

Growing up in the Deep South comes with its unique challenges, but for Elaine Day, navigating life as a lesbian woman added a profound layer of complexity. From strict religious expectations to a lack of community resources, Elaine's story is one of resilience, growth, and self-discovery. In this Q&A, Elaine reflects on her experiences, the progress she’s witnessed, and the work still needed for equality.

What was it like growing up as a lesbian woman in the Deep South?

Elaine describes her upbringing as a “mixed bag.” While she was surrounded by people who loved her, there was often an undercurrent of “love the sinner, hate the sin.” Reflecting on her childhood, she shares, “I didn’t really know what gay was, only that I wanted to hug the girl who was in the front row at my karate class and never let go.” Back then, being gay wasn’t openly discussed, except in whispered conversations or on sensationalist talk shows. It left Elaine feeling unseen and misunderstood in her small, conservative community.

How did the cultural and religious environment of the Bible Belt shape your identity?

Raised in a strict Pentecostal household, Elaine grew up with the looming fear of eternal damnation. “Before I even realized I was gay, I believed I was going to hell just for not jiving with the rules—like women not wearing pants or getting haircuts,” she explains. The religious nature of her upbringing and community created a constant sense of internal conflict. It wasn’t until she “shed the yoke of religion altogether” that Elaine found the freedom to embrace her identity.

Did you feel supported or isolated in your community growing up?

Elaine acknowledges the strong support she received as a child, with her grandparents, relatives, and even teachers looking out for her. But after her grandmother passed away, that sense of community waned. “People drifted away when they couldn’t figure out how to comfort me,” she shares. This isolation had a lasting impact, influencing her relationships and decisions, but today, she has embraced living independently. “It’s definitely a better life for me,” she reflects.

What challenges did you face as a lesbian in a conservative area?

For Elaine, the biggest challenge was the lack of community. “There were about five of us who found one another, but with no support groups or teen centers, we were left to be our entire dating pool,” she recalls. This led to constant drama and limited resources to help them navigate their identities. Adding to the difficulty was the fact that gay sex was still illegal in many states at the time, amplifying the stigma and fear.

How did your family and friends respond when you came out?

Elaine’s coming out was met with a mix of reactions. Most of her friends were unfazed, treating the news “like I’d just told them I was having a sandwich for lunch.” Her best friend, however, was upset—not because Elaine was gay, but because she hadn’t heard it directly from her. The most memorable reaction came from her grandfather. Initially, he worried about “what the neighbors would say” when she kissed her girlfriend in the front yard. But, with a little push from his wife, he came around. “He smacked his hand down on the bar and said, ‘Well, I hope you’re happy.’ And that was that—I was his little girl again, just a little gayer and a lot more honest,” Elaine recalls with a smile.

Have attitudes toward LGBTQ+ individuals shifted in the South over time?

Elaine has witnessed significant progress, though challenges remain. She reflects on the 80s and 90s, a time when the AIDS crisis cast a dark shadow over the LGBTQ+ community. “Back then, being gay was like walking around with a big scarlet A,” she recalls. Today, visibility and acceptance have grown, thanks in part to the internet and media. “We can kiss in public. Hell, we can get married,” she says, marveling at changes she never thought she’d see.

What advice would you give to young women navigating their identities in conservative environments?

Elaine emphasizes finding what feels right for you. “Whether you need to scream your identity from the rooftops or share your truth only with those you trust, there’s no shame in it,” she advises. She encourages young people to prioritize their safety while remaining authentic. “Find your truth and live it—life is shorter than you realize.”

What progress are you most proud of seeing for LGBTQ+ individuals in the Deep South?

Elaine celebrates the normalization of queer identities, particularly in rural areas. She credits the internet for much of this shift. “Growing up before the internet, we literally never even heard about gay people,” she says. Early online spaces became a lifeline for her, enabling connections with other LGBTQ+ individuals. Now, the visibility of queer lives and relationships has helped break down barriers in even the smallest communities.

Conclusion

Elaine’s journey offers a powerful glimpse into the realities of growing up gay in the Deep South. From the oppressive weight of religious expectations to the joy of witnessing societal progress, her story is a testament to resilience and hope. As she looks to the future, Elaine is optimistic about continued growth and understanding.

What are your thoughts on LGBTQ+ progress in the Deep South? Share your experiences in the comments and join the conversation!